#(i‘m sick and don‘t have The Energy)

[sirenofthegreenbanks]

i want to write. i want to write. i want to write i want to write i want to write.

[dhs-in-distress]

So I was looking through my Procreate gallery cause what else am I supposed to do when I‘m sick and found

this

Still remember sitting in history class, being severely bored, and thinking „What if I made two TFA OCs and they were both nonbinary and also in a relationship“ and then proceeding to make these, only to never even give them names, let alone use them in any way

Putting the lore I remember under the cut fsr

So I still know that the one on the left was supposed to have a backstory that involved them being blown up, which damaged them so severely that they‘re too weak to transform now. That‘s also why they don‘t have an alt-mode depicted, cause there is no alt-mode. Obviously these issues could be fixed with enough time, energy and resources, but like,, they don‘t really have access to that, but the exposed spark chamber probably made that obvious. They mostly wear the cloak to keep at least a little of their dignity intact, as well as to get some form of protection from the elements and to conceal the fact that they‘re very vulnerable and would be extremely easy to kill.

(Also I won‘t lie I don‘t like the way I drew them. The upper body is way too clunky and big, especially the arms, and the hands are not it. With some reworking I don‘t think it‘d look too bad, but right now, not a fan. Also also, in case you couldn‘t tell, I modelled them after a plague doctor, which is why they have that cloak and long ahh face in the first place.)

As for the one on the right… yeah no, there was never really much there to begin with. They were supposed to work with chemicals and gasses (gas mask makes that obvious I fear), but that‘s kind of redundant, given Oil Slick‘s entire existence. Personality wise I remember that they were supposed to be fiercely loyal to the character on the left, with a whole „body guard develops a very one-sided attraction to the person they‘re protecting“ kinda thing going on. Not sure how much I like that idea now though……..

Anyway, just wanted to put them here cause I gotta put this information SOMEWHERE if I ever wanna do anything with these guys.

[ontheblock]

i have returned to offer a 3k fic that’s been rotting unfinished in my files since last year (nobody asked for this but i made it)

basement

warning: kidnapping, hallucinations, starvation, cannibalism, just dabi being silly

The feeling of losing sense of time and space kicked in the moment you woke up in the badly ventilated room on a mattress that smelled like molding bread. You remembered walking home late from your part time job when a man asked you for directions. It was dark, the tall figure was dressed in all black, facing away from the moonlight so could you really blame yourself for not recognizing him from the news?

He asked for a hospital, his voice hoarse and labored so you got worried. He smelled like burned leather and sickly sweet and when an oncoming car illuminated his front, you saw the grafted on skin rotting on his face, leaking fluid when he grinned so wide at the realization on your face.

You tried to scream but he already covered your mouth and nose with a cloth, tossing your into the back of the dark van like this was fucking Silence of the Lamb.

Now, you didn‘t know where you were, when you lost consciousness or how long you were missing. You frantically searched your whole body top to bottom just to realize that he took everything you had on you - phone, wallet, keys, even your shoes and any type of jewelry you wore.

It was so dark but your eyes were already adjusted to it. The room had absolutely no windows but a sliver of light peaked beneath the door. Of course you tried to open it. You tried multiple times, jiggling the old doorknob and pounding your shoulder against the wood to test the durability - very high apparently, your whole arm ached when you slumped on the mattress in defeat.

The room was otherwise bare. There were no rusty nails sticking out the walls, no forgotten objects on the floor and the mattress also didn‘t hide anything underneath but dust and grime.

The initial shock of being abducted by a wanted criminal ebbed away soon, leaving you with a head full of thoughts that ran ahead of your understanding.

Why, why me, why would he take me, what did i do, where even is he, how long will the heroes take, will he kill me, oh god he will kill me, will it be quick, will he torture me, what the fuck does he want from me, why, why me, my quirk isn’t special, i‘m no hero, what did i do, why me, will i see my family again, i wish i didn‘t fight with my mom so often, did i hear footsteps, why does he need me, i don‘t know any hero either, i‘m a civilian, will he burn me, oh god i‘m going to die, i‘m going to die, he‘s going to kill me, he‘s a manic, i‘m going to—

The door flung open, hitting the wall with an echoing thud and you flinched hard, pulling your knees up to your chin and ducking your head.

Dabi closed the door with his foot, lazily locking it before approaching with catlike steps, the heavy boots sounding so loud in your ears.

“You‘re awake.“ Your shoulders were trembling. His voice was so close as he crouched in front of you. “Look at me.“ And your muscles locked up from the tremors exhausting what little energy you had. You couldn‘t but most importantly, you didn‘t want to look at him.

His smell was unadulterated in the closed off room, coppery and something sick sank to the bottom of the room like a cloud of gas. There was a pause between you. Not long. Dabi wasn‘t one to wait forever.

His hand shot out, fingers tangling itself into your hair and yanking in it until you yelped and angled your head back to look at him. “There you are.“ He grinned, pulling the separate parts of skin around his mouth tight, little gaps forming between stabled on skin and his own and revealing wet mass underneath. You were glad it was dark.

Your bottom lip wobbled dangerously. “Am I going to die?“ Your voice broke throughout the question, pathetic and small. Dabi cocked his head to the side a bit, cackling like the bastard he was. “All depends on you, doll.“ His hand pulled back and he gestured to the ground. Your eyes followed hesitantly to look at the glass of water. “Will you hurt me if I don‘t drink it?“

“Nah.“ You looked back up again and Dabi just shrugged at your wide gaze. “Die from dehydration if you really want to. I didn‘t roofie it.“ You didn‘t trust a word he said. Not after he lured you close with feigning sickness. Well, he wasn‘t fraudulent. He was sick.

“I don‘t want it…“ Dabi watched you for a moment with no words, just a vacant stare before gingerly picking up the glass. He drank the water himself and you watched like a spooked animal. He stood up, never letting you out of sight.

“Did-..“ You trailed off, the anxiety getting too much under his watchful eye and he just hummed, inviting you to finish your sentence. “Did my parents call?“ You looked at the ground, stared at the scruffy combat boots that he barely laced up right. “Dunno. I‘m not keeping something the heroes can track me with.“ His boots scratched over the mud caked on the cement floor like he was contemplating something. “Not that they will look for you. Too much work for a little civilian.“

You bit your lip as he left the room and locked the door again. You listened to footfalls trailing up a flight of stairs and burst into tears on a second later.

—

When Dabi came again, you couldn‘t refuse the water he brought. You didn‘t know how long he didn‘t come back for but it felt like days. It was hard to tell, you were sleeping a lot and crying even more with no way of telling the time of day. You couldn‘t hear anything but your own sobbing until you passed out from exhaustion. You didn‘t speak, your own voice was entirely too loud in the quiet room and besides, who would you talk to? The only person you knew was around sometimes was the villain and you didn‘t want to talk to him.

“Water.“ Dabi put down the full glass, sitting on the cold floor as he watched you grab for it with both hands, shaking like a leaf. You downed the liquid in long, strong gulps and it wasn‘t nearly enough to wash the ache in your throat away but it made the pounding in your head a bit softer.

Your fingers rubbed the empty glass carefully. “Please…“ Your eyes followed a droplet of water running down the side of the glass before dripping on the mattress. “Please, what?“

“Let me go, please. I-I won‘t tell the heroes or police or-… I don‘t know what you want…“ Your voice dipped into hysteria at the end like testing the water temperature with your toes before canonballing in the body of water. “What I want?“ Dabi spoke slow, like he was tasting the question on his tongue. “Do you know who I am?“

You didn‘t answer immediately, eyes slowly rolling to his silhouette as you sat with him in the dark. Your mouth parted, tongue darting out to wet your lips. “Dabi?“

The man groaned, leaning his head back and cold sparks of disgust crawled along your spine like roaches. “Say that again.“ You could make out the edges of a grin in his tone, on his face - there was suggestion in his words and your stomach felt cold but bubbled like liquid nitrogen.

You adjusted your grip on the glass and hauled it into Dabi‘s face, smashing the fragile object on impact and embedding some shards into your palm. It was fine. You were fine. As long as you reached that door, you would be fine. He didn‘t lock it this time, you would be fine.

You dashed forward with all the strength you still mustered while Dabi recovered from the surprising blow to the face with a grunt. “You fucking-…“ You drowned him out, yanking the door open and staring up the many stairs that lead to what looked like an apartment.

Your heart was pounding and you looked back at Dabi charging at you with a feral expression and thick pieces of glass sticking obscenely from his face. “You‘ve done it now.“ He was laughing, fucking cackling and you shrieked in horror as you tried to scramble up the stairs faster than he closed in on you.

You couldn‘t, obviously. You tripped and clawed at the railing desperately before Dabi‘s arm tightly circled your waist and picked you up while you screamed and kicked your legs. He easily carried you back in your personal prison and dropped you onto the mattress. “I dare you to stand up again. I fucking dare you, see how long you‘ll be able to walk at all.“ You stared up at the man standing over you, blue flames erratically licking at his skin as if he couldn‘t control his quirk‘s outburst.

You didn‘t try to get up again.

—

Dabi showed up whenever he felt like it, never allowing you to fall into a rhythm or sleep pattern that let you at least feel like you had a schedule. It drove you insane but that‘s why he did it.

Whenever he came, he brought you one cup of water - disposable paper cups after the glass incident - and nothing else. He let you pee in a bucket but wouldn‘t leave the room. At first you thought he got off on it but you soon realized he was doing it for amusment, grinning at you when he collected the bucket again like he was biting back laughter.

You couldn‘t shower, he sometimes brought a wet rag with him when he remembered to let you wipe yourself down, never feeling any cleaner.

You slept for maybe half an hour when Dabi nudged you with his dirty boot in the stomach. You flinched, alarmed and startled awake. “Wha-?“ Your throat was parched and you coughed around what felt like sandpaper lining your insides. Maybe he took a little long between visits but who was really counting?

“Water.“ You weakly pushed yourself up but your body refused to sit. You were so dizzy and your body felt like a vessel. “Don‘t want it?“ He didn‘t sit with you this time and just grinned at your panicked eyes staring up at him. You couldn‘t take another day without water. You would die. You would die.

“Open.“ You did, not even really thinking about it and Dabi bowed his back enough to place the cup at your lips and tilt it like he was bottle feeding a baby, just much too fast. The water didn‘t stop flowing and your eyes clenched with effort as you tried to swallow it all. You sputtered around a mouthful, coughing into the cup and shooting water into your nose and airways.

Dabi clicked his tongue, letting the rest of the water spill over your face as you turned away to breathe. “Guess you didn‘t want it that bad, huh? That‘s fine. I‘ll be back in- I don‘t know, three days?“ You whimpered, wailed and clawed at his pant leg. “I-I can‘t- I‘ll die!“ He just kicked your hand away and stepped out of reach. “Be good and I‘ll give you a reward.“ You watched him with unsteady eyes. “Dabi…“ He stilled in his steps, waiting for you to continue. “Was there- Was a person here? Was there-? Am I alone?“ Desperation leaked through your voice and Dabi laughed as he opened the door and left you in uncertainty if you were hallucinating or not.

—

You didn‘t know if Dabi was lying about the three days or not. All you knew was that sometimes, you were alone in the dark with no sounds but your breathing and sometimes, the room came alive with bugs littering the ceiling and walls. Sometimes you woke up to a human shape sitting next to you and you talked to it like you knew who it was, other times you shook and turned away in fear. But mostly, you wondered if you were dreaming afterwards. You couldn‘t stand being alone anymore. Your brain was feeding you information and you had the strong urge to ask Dabi if your memories were all just fabricated or not at that point.

When footsteps - solid and real - thudded above you like thunder, you blinked at the door - waiting.

It swung open and closed routinely behind Dabi. “Look at that. You were good.“ You barely focused on his movements until he placed a bowl in front of you with no cup this time. He even helped you sit up on the mattress and left the door open so the room flooded with light and blinded your sensitive eyes.

“I told you, didn‘t I?“ You blinked and squinted, trying to make sense of what Dabi brought you. Before you sat a ceramic bowl with plain rice topped with seared and sliced meat and garnished with chives. “I told you that I had a reward for you.“ He tossed a plastic spoon next to the bowl, watching you with mischief in his eyes. “But before you eat, I gotta tell you something. Ready?“

Your hand hesitated but grabbed the spoon. This felt like a trap. Was he trying to condition you? Trigger a bond between you and make you develop Stockholm syndrome? You chewed at your lip and couldn‘t deny that you would do anything for some food.

You flinched at the gentle caress of his fingertips tracing your cheek and pushing your hair away from your face. You held your breath with the spinning realization that Dabi‘s touch wasn‘t good - never has been and this was a bad sign for you.

“The meat is human. Eat up.“ Or die.

His soft touch left but you already felt so numb you didn‘t notice. Your stomach was turning over and over but there was nothing inside but acid to vomit onto Dabi‘s filthy shoes. You dropped the spoon like it burned you, twisting away from the bowl and sobbing hard enough to shake your whole body. And here he was thinking he dehydrated you enough to not cry anymore. He didn‘t mind.

Dabi liked when you cried for him.

He laughed as he left the room.

—

Your body felt like it was caving in on itself. Being empty has never been so overwhelming but when Dabi brought you food after starving you, your hunger pains flared back up.

You laid curled up on your side, sinking your nails into your sides as you wailed into the mattress. There was a corpse. He wanted you to eat his victims. That man was sick in the head and if you could, you would smash the bowl in his face again.

You couldn’t help but wonder if he killed a person just for this cruel prank or if it happened during his regular escapades as a villain. Was it another villain? Would it be better if it was a villain? The thought certainly didn’t make you feel any better. You couldn‘t even turn around anymore, couldn‘t stand the sight of the already cold bowl of food next to you, couldn‘t stand the sight of Dabi when he returned to your room the very next day.

“Haven‘t eaten? Wow, how ungrateful.“ His voice didn‘t sound upset or angry. No, he sounded amused. Sick, he was sick.

You curled into a ball as his footsteps came closer. “Look at me.“ A rough hand grabbed and yanked at your upper arm until you turned towards him.

“It‘s no use, doll. I‘ll bring your a new meal every single day until you eat or die. Whatever you prefer.“ You watched as Dabi put down a steaming bowl of rice and meat next to the old one and sat on the floor. “So what‘s it gonna be? Will you really make me kill more civilians because you‘re being a brat?“ He sounded utterly disappointed and you found yourself unable to hold back the intense sob that hurt deep inside your chest.

You cried and cried and cried some more, laying on your back with your face towards the ceiling and Dabi just watched with a blank expression, eerily still the whole time.

It wasn‘t your fault he was doing this. You didn‘t ask him for this or anything else he was doing. He did this on his own because he was a monster, a depraved animal with a twisted sense of humor. But you could stop him. All it took was cooperating, all you had to do was give in this once and stoop to his level.

You gingerly turned to your side, peeking at the generously filled dish on the ground. Your stomach was weak, already doing backflips at the thought of where that meat came from. Your watery vision made it easier for you to not look at it directly. Your hand clenched and unclenched as you did all sorts of mental gymnastics to make yourself feel less disgustedsickmonsterousnononono.

Dabi seemed to sense your inner conflict and reached out to push the bowl so close to your mattress that you could reach the food in your current position without sitting up. At the same time, he pulled the cold bowl towards himself. “C‘mon. I‘ll even do it with you, doll. I don‘t have all day. I gotta make sure to hunt for your next meal soon enough.“

This time your couldn‘t stop fresh, hot tears from spilling over. And yet you still shakily reached for a slice of lukewarm meat, taking it between index finger and thumb. “I don‘t want to…“

You barely recognized your voice - hoarse and labored. Dabi hummed, taking yesterdays discarded plastic spoon off of the floor and shoveling a portion of rice and meat into his mouth while you watched in horror. “Your turn. Or I‘ll have to go.“

You whimpered in distress as you clenched your eyes tight enough to ache in your skull. When you placed the slice in your mouth, the texture felt like your mother‘s beef roast on your tongue. But it wasn‘t beef. It wasn‘t. And that was all you could think about as you chewed no more than three times before swallowing because otherwise you would surely vomit up all the acid in your stomach.

“Was that so bad now? Eat up and I‘ll get you some water too.“

You sobbed the whole way throught the meal, trying so hard to avoid the meat by digging for the rice. It was no use, the flavor was everywhere. Dabi watched the pathetic display with joy.

“Is it good? It better be. This meal cost a family their dad and husband.“

You froze mid chewing, glancing at Dabi with big eyes. You didn‘t want to know. You couldn‘t live with the information of who you were eating right now.

“Don‘t look at me like that. Did you expect me to pick some sad sack of shit? Someone without loved ones? Where‘s the fun in that, huh?“

The rice slowly crumbled from your fingers. “You‘re sick…“ And Dabi laughed. “Yeah, I am. But so are you. Do you think the heroes will save you now? After what you just did? People used to say that once you turn to cannibalism, your soul rots. We‘re the same now, doll.“

You couldn‘t even shake your head in your state of despair.

It didn‘t take long for Dabi to grow tired of you, especially when you were apathetically staring ahead - something his mother used to do. It frankly grossed him out so he collected the dishes and stood up.

“It was fun and all but I‘d hate to stay here all night. Y‘know this place is full of bugs. If you were always this good I might be able to let you live with me.“

Dabi grinned like a fox as your eyes snapped up to him. He loved to give you false hope.

[agxldenhabit]

this might sound weird but i can‘t wait for 40. i‘m hoping that at 40 i will have found. a home in a city or a village. somewhere i feel at peace. a job that makes a living. i might just tolerate it, i hope i love it. people, i want to share my time with. that give back, share my energy. right now i‘m so sick of searching. everything in me feels like soft clay, waiting to be formed. i could take any shape. i don‘t know yet. but molding my identity is exhausting. i hope at 40 i will feel secure. that i will have established the things i like and with them my place in the world. but at the same time 40 is young. i‘ll still have a whole life before me. hopefully. i could still turn it all around. but i so so hope i will have found.

[leavemythoughtsbehind]

There are many times where I think about „what if‘s“ about things that do not concern my life anymore. It makes me wonder - why is it making me anxious if thing are just doing okay the way they are now? Why am I always stressing out? If they don‘t care about it - why would I? There‘s nothing that happened. It‘s all okay, but sometimes people just drift apart and end things without a deeper meaning behind it. We all end chapters and start new ones and sometimes it needed to also leave some characters behind in previous chapters.

It hurts like hell still if I think about it, but right now it‘s just my anxiety stressing me out. Maybe I shouldn‘t have started drinking an energy drink so late at night while I‘m sick in bed.

[breelandwalker]

Hi Bree! I have a followup question to the ask about magic and science. Personally, I can‘t help but conclude that for me, if spells don‘t usually work, I can‘t bring myself to believe in them. Which is probably why I don‘t do them. But I still try to do things with intention, like baking a summer-y recipe on litha, that help me be more in touch with the world around me and especially the kind of… energies, I guess, around me. I‘m not sure if I can consider myself a witch, though, because of that. What do you think?

I think that you're a witch if you choose to be one. Sensing energy or making all the Wiccan holiday observances is not a requirement. I know plenty of witches who don't do energy work or bother with more than a cursory observation of holidays (if they do it at all), and I know at least one witch who is a complete brick wall when it comes to sensing anything. (Her intuition is really good, but she doesn't sense energy or spirits or anything. It's never hampered her work in the slightest.)

If you have difficulty connecting with certain seasons or holidays or places, you don't need to include them in your practice. I post about Midsummer, but I don't celebrate it. I actually really hate summertime because I get overheated easily and high humidity make me feel sick and uncomfortable. So when other witches talk about summertime magic, I can appreciate it, but I don't feel connected to it. But catch me in the autumn and it's a completely different story. Sometimes you need to find the things that work best for YOU, rather than judging yourself by what works best for others. When you try to weigh your own corn in someone else's bushel, you'll always come up short.

As for spells, it's less that spells "don't usually work" and more that we can't and shouldn't expect them to work 100% of the time. Magic always needs to be backed up with practical action and even at the best of times, under the most favorable circumstances, all that magic can do is increase the odds of a desired outcome. If the possibility was already remote or other things need to occur first, that might not be enough. The universe always answers our requests. We just have to accept that sometimes the answer is No.

There is also something called the Open Label Placebo Effect, which was discussed in the June 2022 episode of Hex Positive with my guest host, the incomparable Sedna Woo. The Open Label Placebo Effect is basically the placebo effect when the person receiving the placebo knows they're receiving a placebo and is aware that placebos can still have positive effects. In other words, "I know this is a placebo, but it might help anyway."

For example, you may go through the motions of casting a confidence glamour spell, fully not believing that any magic is taking place, but the ritual of it and the fact that you've done it can still have a positive effect on your self-presentation. If that helps you cast spells (if indeed that's something you want to do), maybe give it a try. (And check out Sedna Woo's YouTube channel, she's really wonderful!)

And again, if what you're doing doesn't resonate with you, try another method. It may take a while to get around to the things that feel right, but keep trying!

Hope this helps!

[cuddlepilefics]

10.    Christmas Shopping

@yooniestummy because we all stan Hyunjin’s long hair....

 Fandom: Stray Kids

Sickie: Hyunjin

Caregiver: Chan and Jisung

 Hyunjin‘s POV.:

I woke up hot and sweaty this morning, my sheets stuck to my back and my head started pounding when I sat up. For some reason, I was the last to wake up. We had no official schedule for today so we had planned to go Christmas shopping as a group. I already had most of my presents wrapped and hidden underneath my bed but I still had to find something for Minho and Jeongin. Joining my group for breakfast, I decided to just have some fruit as I didn‘t really have an appetite but knew I couldn‘t just skip breakfast. My members were discussing loudly which stores they wanted to visit but I didn‘t really care because I didn‘t even have an idea what I wanted to buy. I was only planning to look around and wait for something to catch my eye. Watching the others get overly excited for their shopping trip, I put my plate in the sink and went to get ready. Somehow the excitement failed to grasp me as it usually did and I would have preferred to stay home but I couldn‘t let them down in the last minute just because I wasn‘t in the mood. I must have been deep in thought while brushing my teeth because I hit a spot too far back which made me gag, startling me. I tried to bring my focus back to what I was doing but my brain was fuzzy and I kept losing my trains of thought. I walked back to my room and picked out some very thick and warm clothes. In contrast to how I woke up, I felt freezing now and the goosebumps just didn‘t go away. I shivered as I took my pajama off and tried to get my jeans and hoodie on as fast as possible. While I pulled the hoodie over my head, a dizzy spell hit me, forcing me to sit down on my bed as I waited for the ringing in my ears to pass.

Dressed in a few more layers then originally planned, I met my members at the door ready to head out. Chan had called for a driver that‘d take us to the mall and we all piled into the vehicle. The ride seemed to take forever and I rested my aching head against the window. The headache I had woken up with only seemed to be getting worse and I was glad I hadn‘t tied up my hair as the pull of an elastic would only increase the pain. I must have been too quiet because I felt a nudge against my knee, looking up to meet Seungmin‘s smile. Smiling back quietly, I opted for resting my head on his shoulder instead of the window. “Everything ok?“, he whispered, running a hand through my long hair. “Mhm, just not completely awake yet and my head hurts a bit“, I hummed, leaning further into him as he kept petting my hair. I didn‘t remember the route to the mall to be this curvy but I soon needed to pick up my head from Seungmin‘s shoulder to look out of the window in an attempt to keep my stomach in place. Usually I didn‘t get motion sick but I guess combined with the headache, the streets didn‘t do me well. Seungmin watched me confused but I reassured him with a smile that everything was fine.

It wasn‘t, however. I had expected for the nausea to fade after leaving the car and for a while it did. Not fully though, instead it settled into a dull, constant ache. We were walking around together and I really only tagged along, following my members wherever they wanted to go. I was to tired to object and with the pain in my head and stomach, I also didn‘t want to go anywhere but home. Of course, I didn‘t speak up though. We haven‘t even been here that long and everyone had been looking forward to this trip, so who was I to kill the mood. Not being able to agree on which stores to visit, we soon split up into smaller groups, me joining Chan and Jisung. They mostly wanted to visit different music stores and I didn‘t mind. Replying that I didn‘t care every time they asked me where I wanted to go, the two kept exchanging suspicious glances, not commenting though. I was practically asleep on my feet and it took Chan three attempts at calling my name to catch my attention. “Sorry, kinda spaced out“, I replied, scratching my head awkwardly. “You‘re acting weirder than usual and already have all morning“, Jisung frowned, trying to cover his concern with a tease. Chan agreed and seeing the sympathetic look on his face, I couldn‘t keep quiet anymore. “Sorry, I woke up with a bit of a headache and it only got worse. Now my stomach also started hurting and I feel weird“, I mumbled, trying to keep of crying as admitting to my symptoms only made me notice them more. Chan frowned and guided me to sit on a bench nearby. Jisung sat down next to me wrapping his arms around me comfortingly as I broke into tears. “I-I didn‘t w-want to ruin t-this trip because everyone was l-looking forward to it s-so much and n-now I did a-anyways“, I hiccuped, bringing my hands up to my face to wipe the tears that just wouldn‘t stop falling. “You didn‘t ruin anything, you really could‘ve told us you weren‘t feeling alright and you could‘ve stayed home“, Chan sighed as Jisung handed me a tissue. “Wasn‘t s-so bad earlier“, I whimpered almost too quiet to be heard. Crouching in front of me, Chan squeezed my knee and promised he‘d go get some water, while Jisung would sit with me.

 Jisung‘s POV.:

While Chan left, I kept Hyunjin company, trying to calm him down a bit. I knew the tears were not only from guilt and embarrassment. The pain must have been worse than he let on and finally taking in the full sight in front of me, I noticed the dark circles under the dancer‘s eyes, that stood out against his pale complexion which he tried to hide behind a mask. “How about we take this off for a while? Maybe the fresh air will help your head“, I hummed, removing the mask dampened with tears. He had stopped crying and was really quiet now. I figured he had just calmed down and was tired till he wrapped his arms around his stomach whimpering. “I d-don‘t feel so good“, he moaned, scooting closer to the side of the bench where there was a trash can beside it. His face had paled even more and I could only guess what‘d happen next. I just wished Chan would hurry. Scooting closer to the dancer, I rubbed his back soothingly, applying enough pressure so he‘d feel it through his thick coat, and instructing him to take deep breaths through his nose. However, it didn‘t solve the problem and only delayed the inevitable. With barely any warning, the thin boy bend over the trash can, immediately bringing up part of his breakfast. I quickly recovered from my shock and pulled his long, blonde hair out of his face, gathering it at the back of his head. With one hand I kept holding on to his hair, using the other to rub his back, while telling him he‘d be ok and all of this would be over soon.

After a shaky inhale, which triggered a dry gag, his breathing hitched and soon turned into quiet sobs. “You‘re really not feeling well, hm?“, I hummed rhetorically and he shook his head, retching hard afterwards. So hard that a few strands of hair escaped my grip. Luckily nothing came up and I quickly tucked the strands back again. Trying to hold his hair securely yet not tight enough to worsen his headache, I let my hand follow his head as he coughed, triggering another rush of semi-digested food to pass his lips. The guy barely got a breath in before his body convulsed again, sending him to choke on his stomach contents. I panicked a bit, using my free hand to pat him between the shoulderblades rather harshly till he was able to stop coughing and catch his breath again. Not having had much for breakfast, he was soon reduced to dry heaves and I was glad to see Chan rounding the corner. Seeing our position next to the trash can, the leader quickened his pace, jogging over to us.

At this point, Hyunjin had slumped over, hugging his stomach and accepting the fact that nothing else would come up. His cries had turned into weak sniffles and I gently pulled him back to lean against me. Chan quickly uncapped the bottle of water he had bought, holding it out to the dancer who mainly just rinsed his mouth, handing it back after one tentative sip. The strain of throwing up had wiped all of his energy and he was dozing off on my shoulder. “Hyung, could you call us a driver to bring us home while I text the others? They can just call a driver later when they are done, while we take the sickie over here home“, I asked, running a hand through Hyunjin‘s hair. “You don‘t have to come home with me. I‘m ok, I can go back alone. I don‘t want you to be forced home early just because I have a tummy ache“, said sickie mumbled pitifully, keeping his eyes closed. “Jinnie, it‘s not just a tummy ache, you threw up, your head hurts and with how you‘re sweating I bet you have a fever too. Besides, I absolutely don‘t mind going back to the dorm with you. I can easily do the rest of my shopping another time“, I assured, watching Chan talk on his phone. “A driver will be here soon. How are you holding up Jinnie?“, the leader asked, pressing the back of his fingers against the younger‘s forehead. “Still don‘t feel too great“, he whined. “Mhm, you have a fever too, so it‘s probably some kind of stomach bug. Let‘s just get you home and to bed“, the leader sighed, earning a defeated nod.

By the time we got into the car, Hyunjin was shivering violently. With chattering teeth he complained how cold he felt and I felt my heart break. Despite worrying about raising his fever, I took off my coat, covering him and tucking it into his seatbelt so it wouldn‘t slip. “Jinnie, if you feel sick during the drive use this, ok?“, Chan instructed, pressing a plastic shopping bag into the dancer‘s hand before buckling himself up. With the chills subsiding in the warmth of the car, the young idol was quickly knocked out, sleeping through the entire ride without incidents. Waking up slowly as I unbuckled his seatbelt, Hyunjin let Chan carry him from the garage to the dorm, I had gone ahead to unlock the door for them. The leader put him to the ground in the hallway so the dancer could kick off his shoes and shrug out of his coat with Chan and me holding him by the shoulders so he wouldn’t fall over. Barely pulling his arms from the coat, he suddenly tore free from our grip, rushing to the bathroom, almost tripping himself on the way there. Quick to remove his shoes, Chan ran after him while I hung up our coats and grabbed a water bottle from the kitchen.

 Chan’s POV.:

I found my dongsaeng kneeling in front of the toilet, head resting on his crossed arms over the empty bowl. Apparently, nothing had come up so far. With his hair falling into his face, I struggled to see whether he was crying. Not liking the way his hair was dangling into the bowl, I quickly pulled an elastic from the bathroom cabinet, tying it up messily as I have no experience with long hair. I was done just in time for the dancer to dip his head down with a harsh retch, only bringing up a thin trickle of stomach acid. I knelt behind him, rubbing his back as he fought to bring something up despite being empty from his session earlier. Soon it was hard to tell sob and gag apart, only interrupted by whimpers of pain. Jisung had joined us at some point. He had brought a water bottle and wet a small towel under the tap which he spread across Hyunjin’s neck, before sitting on the bathtub next to the sick idol.

Getting a break from gagging for a while the dancer collapsed back against me, tears of pain, sickness and physical strain streaming down his face while he clutched his head. “Jinnie, is the hairtie making your headache worse?”, I asked, while Jisung moved the damp towel to dab away the sweat and tears. “If you think you’re done we can remove it”, I hushed, already fiddling with the elastic before getting a shaky reply: “N-Not sure, f-for now m-maybe…” That was enough of an answer for me to fully pull the elastic from his hair, running my fingers trough it to smooth it out.

Uncapping the water bottle, Jisung let the other rinse his mouth a few times before encouraging him to at least have a few sips. “Jinnie, you’ll get dehydrated”, I sighed, resulting in a whimper from my dongsaeng: “Hyung, I-I don’t want to throw up again.” – “Hey, if this is a stomach bug, you most likely will and if you have something in you, it at least won’t hurt as much”, Jisung hushed, adding: “I know it sucks.” When the dancer whined, raising the bottle to his lips again because he knew it was true.

We had been sitting there for a while, waiting for Hyunjin’s stomach to settle enough for him to move. I was just about to offer helping him to bed when the sickie threw himself over the bowl again, expelling the little water he had had before. Cursing inwardly for removing the hairtie, I quickly combed his hair back with my fingers, holding it there while trying to reduce the pull on his scalp. Luckily, the spell passed soon and Jisung left first to set up a bucket next to the dancer’s bed. I helped my exhausted dongsaeng stand before picking him up and carrying him to his room. Covering him with an additional blanket the quell the chills that had started up again, Jisung sat resting his back against the headboard of Hyunjin’s bed, allowing the ailing boy to rest his head on his thigh. Seeing that Jisung had got it handled, I slipped out of the room to start making some plain rice porridge for later, as it was what I considered safest to eat with stomach troubles.

 Noone’s POV.:

Nodding off with his head in Jisung’s lap, Hyunjin fell asleep to the younger playing with his hair. “Rest well, hyung. I don’t want you to hurt anymore”, being the last thing he heard as the exhaustion pulled him under.

[lynnthevirgo]

When You’re Cheated on - Namjoon

WC: 2k

Summary: Namjoon helps talk you through a day of mental breakdowns after a breakup. 

Warnings: mentions of self harm, mental breakdowns, mentions of bodily harm

A/N: I’m still taking my break, just wanted to post and go because writing is the only thing keeping me going at this point. Yes, this is personal to me. Please don’t ask. Unedited!

***************

I was lying on my bed, scrolling through my Tumblr feed with Namjoon just a few seats away from me. He was here as emotional support, having messaged him about the current state I was in. His laptop was open, headphones on and his head bobbing to the beat of a song I’m sure he’ll show me weeks from now when he’s out listened it. But should another episode or attack spring on, he’d be right there ready to talk me down.

It’s not like I was unstable….okay, maybe I was. But I was really good at containing it inside myself, but certain memories will crawl back to the surface and snap my hold on reality. It was so exhausting to go through this cycle. I’ve been spending most of my days in bed, not really doing much because doing too much required energy and effort I couldn’t muster.

He knew I had been with her for a long time. How much she meant to me and the parts of me I let her see, that weren’t always pretty, but I felt comfortable sharing. She shared so much of herself with me as well and that’s why I thought, this is it. She’s it. She’s the one that I’ve been waiting for. My twin flame.

Only for me to be hit with the news that she cheated. We had found ourselves in a predicament where I made her feel alone, unknowingly at the time, her mental demons playing with her over my silence. Then I couldn’t give her the things she needed when she was needy. The two made her reach out to someone who helped her, was there for her when I wasn’t. He gave her comfort and fulfilled the needs she wanted.

She felt bad afterwards and wanted to try to fix things. But I pushed her away. Only afterwards, when I thought we should try to fix things did I find out she had already fallen for him. So she no longer needed me, I was just a piece in her game of life. One that she wanted, because I helped complete the game for her, but didn’t necessarily need.

“Namujoon, please..” I croak, my voice already broken. The pit in my stomach swelling in size, the need for air heightening and the tears falling so fast they double. They’ve already left streaks on my face by the time he looks at me. Instantly he’s at his feet and setting the headphones and laptop to the side, before taking his place beside me.

“What happened? Where are you?” He asks, his fingers through my hair and the other hand rubbing small circles on the center of my back.

“Y/N, it‘s okay. You‘re okay. We‘re okay. Everything will be okay.” He says like a mantra beside me. He’s been using this as a way for me accept things, keep me grounded in reality.

“I hate this. I hate her. I hate him. I fucking hate e-everything.” I bite. My anger lashing out now, I swat the empty space between us on the bed. Only to curl into myself further, fetal position being the only thing to provide me comfort anymore.

“Shh, I know. It‘s okay to hate everything. You‘re allowed to hate this.” He offers as comfort. His big hand sliding down my spine slowly from top to bottom. The other hand out of my hair and holding the hands clutching my chest.

“I don‘t hate her. I don‘t even hate him. I just want things to be like they were. I want her, I want this back and to forget anything happened. Why can‘t I have that back? Why can‘t I have her back?” I ask, more to myself than Namjoon. My emotions peaking, my voice breaking and all the thoughts spilling out.

“I know you don‘t. But you also know why you can‘t have her back, why you can‘t have it back. She made her choice, it‘s time for you to heal.” He replies softly, fingers brushing against my own as he tries to find my eyes.

“You need to help fix this heart of yours. It won‘t work right if you don‘t. She chose her journey, now it‘s time for you to find your own again.” He offers, trying to give me a new perspective to consider.

“I‘d love to! But all I keep seeing is him and her and I‘d rather die than keep reliving it! I‘d rather gouge out my eyes than have to remember that she wanted him to do those things to her! Fucking slit my wrists again than know that every time she‘s not talking to me, it‘s because she‘s talking to him!!” I scream, the sobs ebbing through and the last of my dignity leaving with it as I whine into his chest.

“You don‘t mean that. I know you don‘t. It‘s okay. Just let it out, let everything go.” He whispers in my hair. He holds me so tight that I can’t feel the hurt anymore. It slowly numbs inside myself as the mess on my face wipes onto his shirt. His mantra from earlier being repeated and the sound of his voice lulling me into a sleep.

                                                         ******************

“Look who‘s awake.” He says, putting a tray of food in front of me. I scrunch my face at it, the want and need for food nonexistent.

“If you don‘t eat, I‘ll be forced to feed you myself and you know how much you hate that.” I look to the soup stains from this afternoon on my comforter and sigh. Unhappily, I eat small spoonfuls of the porridge he made.

“How are you?” He asks, sitting at the end of my bed. His full attention on me as one of the BTS soundtracks plays in the background.

“That was a pretty bad one earlier.” He defends for his worry. I just stare at him, wanting to find the perfect words to give him but not having the voice or reason to.

“I know this was the last thing you wanted. Especially after all the promises she made and you told her you‘d believe.” He starts, my eyes already brimming with tears.

“But you keep saying you‘re happy so long as she is. So why don‘t you try?” He offers. His hand resting on my ankle, gently massaging up my calf.

“It‘s so hard, Namujoon.” I manage to croak out. After I place the tray to the side of me, I curl my legs into my chest again.

“I am really glad that she found someone who takes care of her needs like she wanted. A part of me knew going into this that it wasn‘t going to last forever. But-” I can’t even finish, another scream trying to come out in it’s place. I’d been doing so much of that the past few days. I’m sure Namjoon is sick of me.

“Hey, let it out. Stop holding in your emotions. You‘re mad, so scream and yell. You‘re upset, so cry, sob and wail all night if you need to. This is how you heal, y/n. So start allowing yourself the chance to.” He advises, his hand in the center of my back just like earlier. He’s found that I calm down faster when he leaves it there. The other hand of his is still enclosed around my ankle, holding me in place.

“You‘re allowed to have feelings and to express them. It‘s just us here. So let it all out. Your health is the most important thing to me right now.” The bed shifts and I feel his body heat behind me. His arm slides under the pillow and my head, while the other wraps around my stomach and pulls me close to him.

My emotions calm, but my voice is still shaky and broken when I speak.

“This is just so hard. How do I go from asking her everyday if she took her meds, if she‘s eaten to not talking at all some days? She was my best friend, my only friend some days and I love her. I‘m still in love with her.” I finally get out, my sobs breaking again. He squeezes me tighter, I can feel his heartbeat against my shoulder blade. His face buries into my neck, keeping me so close that I can’t tell where I start and he ends.

“Everything works out like it‘s supposed to. You needed her to see that it is possible for someone to love you, all of you, as a whole. Someone to love you as deeply as you love them.” He says low with emotion in my neck.

“You needed to see that. Now that you‘ve seen it, you don‘t need her anymore. She left as quick as she entered and now it‘s up to you to pick up your pieces. To look for the person who isn‘t going to go running to another‘s arms when things get rough.” He explains, his voice just above a whisper now. A low hint of emotion showing with the way his jaw clenches.

“You deserve to be happy and to be cared for fully, without fear. Someone to give you their all for once, instead of you always giving yours.” He adds, my hair sticking to my neck in wet patches from his tears.

“You can beat whatever this is. You‘ve been through hell and back, this one bad heartbreak isn‘t going to ruin the rest of your life. Please believe me. You have to.” He finishes, the breath he exhales coming out shaky.

I wipe my tears, fight the urge to cry again and turn myself to face him. His eyes closed, but his cheeks full of the streaks he didn’t want me to see. As I exhale shakily, I wipe his face with the palms of my hands. His hands coming up to grab my wrists and bring them between our chests. I watch his eyes open and see the pain inside them mirroring my own.

“I‘m okay. You‘re okay. We‘re okay. I will be okay.” I say back to him. Reminding him of the mantra he’s implemented in my head.

“Just don‘t leave me alone. I can do this, so long as you don‘t leave me too.” I say with tears already starting to form and my voice faltering.

He pulls me close, his scent overtaking whatever negative thoughts I was having. The fingers he tightens in my hair, a reminder that he’s there.

“Even if you left me, I‘d never ever leave you. I‘ll still be waiting for you to find your way back home. You‘re family to me and always will be.” He says, leaving a kiss on my temple.

Namjoon was right. I had told myself that so long as she was happy, so was I. So that’s what I would have to start doing. I’ll still let myself grieve over what I lost, who I lost. But at the end of the day, someone else was making her happy. I should be happy for her. Not angry because I don’t have her. She’s happy and because I love her, I want her to stay happy. Even if it means it’s not with me.

I deserve someone who doesn’t break their promises that they won’t leave. Who won’t break their promises that they’ll be there for me too, knowing I’ve been used so many times in the past. Someone who’s willing to still fight for what we had, instead of throwing it away for something that seems exciting right now but might not be in the long run. I deserve better.

Namujoon might just be a friend. But so far he hasn’t broken those, in fact, he’s done everything he can to assure me that he’s always going to be here. Which is what I never got from her. So maybe he’s right. I should fix up this broken heart and work on my journey, because I think I know where I need to go.

[osamusriceballs]

Jshkah back after my first meal today😜 anyways having three lessons back to back with no breaks😪 it was longgggg + the 2 hours of commute. Do u also commute from home? Or do u get dorms to live in?👀 but xksgja overall i expected worse, some bashing cuz why am i here if i failed my exam but nothing! Tho i got discouraged by how many things wed have to do😫 but tomorrow is a full english day!! So im looking forward to that!! And how was ur today???

YOU WROTE THIS AROUND 5 PM- WHAT DO YOU MEAN FIRST MEAL-

COME BACK HERE AND LET ME SCOLD YOU FOR NOT EATING PROPERLY- ALL OF YOU SKIPPING MEALS BECAUSE OF SCHOOL- I‘M GONNA SCOLD YOU SO LONG UNTIL YOU EAT SOMETHING BEFORE GODDAMN 5 PM 😫😫😫 hope that was just this once, I WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY KOUHAI-CHAN!! You need that ATP 😫😫😫💖

2 hours of commute? Omg that’s long 🥺 so sorry to hear that 🥺 I also have to commute, but just half an hour- I used to live in a dorm for like two years, but then I moved back to save rent, cause I spend most of my time at my parents house actually 🤔

I‘m glad that your first day still went well 🥺 and don‘t worry too much about the failing- I also failed something big, but well- trying better this semester ✊🏻 always keep your head up! 💖

So much for you to do omg- poor you 😭😭 but pls get some sleep too 🥺

All English day YES!! I hope it was fun!! 💖💖 and I send you lots of Energy to survive the week!! 💖

I have this week off actually, but I just got a call and asked if I can come and work today cause one of my colleagues is sick- AND I WAS VERY CONFLICTED BUT IN THE END I SAID YES, WHY AM I LIKE THIS 😫😫 but it‘s only 4 hours, so I‘m not gonna complain ✊🏻 that means double the money actually sooo- watch me investing that in haikyuu merch 😎💖

Anyways- LOVE YOU SO MUCH KOUHAI-CHAN!! 💖💖 stay hydrated and don‘t forget to eat!! 💖 I’m keeping an eye on you 👀

[cassiavioletblue]

With you, always

♡ Pairing: Yoongi x Jungkook  ♡ Genre: Fluff/ Romance, just a tiny hint of angst ♡ Words: 3k ♡ Disclaimer: nothing, even if it’s one of my solo stories it’s sweet, I promise ;)

♡ Crossposted on Ao3 here

Yoongi and Jungkook were close. The closest you could be. It had always been like that because they had grown up together. Even though Jungkook couldn’t remember the first day they had met because he had been too young Yoongi remembered; he could see it before his eyes as if it had been yesterday; that small boy running on the playground, chasing a bird or a bug or his own thoughts and then suddenly falling. Yoongi had expected the typical screaming and crying that normally followed right after at that age and had been utterly surprised when he had found the little kid biting his lip in concentration instead, his eyes teary but head held stubbornly high as if he refused to let falling get him down. Then he had looked around to see if anyone had noticed his fall and their eyes had locked. Jungkook froze – and then broke into laughter. Yoongi was gone for him since that very day.

They had become best friends in lighting speed. He had been watching over Jungkook ever since, watching him grow and change from the headstrong little child into an even more defiant teenager. They rarely fought but when they did it got heated and Yoongi found himself wondering more than once where the hell Jungkook got his energy from. Though somehow they always ended up together again on the same day and if it had been really bad then Kook asked him if he could stay the night and sneaked into bed with him. Moving in together honestly had been a logical decision as they spent most of the time together anyway.

And Yoongi was glad that he could be there when Kook was coming home after a night out with his school friends, drunk or high like a kite when he had tried something for the first (and last) time. He held his head over the toilet in the bathroom and was there with a cool, wet cloth to clean him up when he collapsed. He never had to explicitly tell Kook that he would be there for him no matter what because it was just a fundamental rule of their friendship that none of them questioned.

Until Yoongi noticed that his heart behaved strangely whenever he was close to Kook and that jealousy, something he’s never had a problem with before, slowly sneaked its way into his mind whenever Kook was out too often with the same person or slept over at someone’s place where Yoongi wasn’t sure if they were friends or… more.  He never voiced his thoughts though. He wouldn’t burden Jungkook with something vile like that. Despite being all grown up now the younger was still so open and pure-minded. He could be really determined, was hard working and a force to be reckoned with when he was driven by something but underneath all his strength and grown-up-behavior he was still so child-like sometimes that Yoongi’s heart ached with it. Like when he got frustrated after losing a game and started pouting without even realizing it or when he was laughing so much that his nose scrunched up and his eyes got that sparkle –  he was too good for this world, too pure. And Yoongi feared the day he would be hurting in a way that he couldn‘t soothe and a band aid couldn’t heal. He was dreading the moment that Jungkook would get a taste of what it felt like to love and get his heart broken by it. And he refused to ever burden the younger with his own feelings for him. So he carefully locked them away, promising himself that he would never ever act on them no matter what.

It got harder though the older Jungkook got and when it became obvious that he had a thing for boys as well, just like Yoongi had – or one single boy to be precise. His feelings hadn’t changed but he felt more guilty for it now as Jungkook had matured enough to be actually interested in relationships.

It felt wrong to feel so attracted to him, to want him with every fiber of his being. He wanted all of him, his mind, his gentle soul – but every time he felt his mind slipping into adult territory he stopped it right there. They had grown up with each other, they where as close as family which made Jungkook practically his younger sibling and Yoongi felt sick to his stomach every time he tried to remind himself of that while he ached to touch him and hold him and get a taste of his sweet, sweet lips.. Jungkook was off limits. He of all people was the last one who should get close to Kookie in that way. He was fucked up and scarred and messed up and he would undoubtedly ruin Jungkook’s soft heart if he let the other see what his affection could mean. It had come to the point that he was very strict about how much affection he gave Jungkook and how, to make sure that there was absolutely no way he treated him inappropriately – not realizing that by restricting himself so much and turning away from the other he made the younger long for his praise and affection even more. A single word from Yoongi could make him smile like the sun was shining out of his eyes – or let his hopes fall apart with a dismissive head shake and a frown.

They kinda argue a lot and when Jungkook stayed out more and more and whenever he kept away from him for longer than usual Yoongi’s heart ached. But he endured it, was almost glad that it would be like this now because it meant Jungkook wouldn’t rely on him so much anymore and maybe if he saw that Kook had found someone that truly loved him, then maybe his feelings would go away. Deep down he knew that he was lying to himself but he still held onto this thought as tightly as he could.

He never tried to lecture Jungkook or keep him from making his own decisions because he thought the more independent he got the better – until he got a text from a friend saying that the younger was at this party he was a little too inexperienced for and that he was a little too drunk and that Yoongi should come get him because it was looking as if Jungkook was waiting for a free room upstairs and this wasn’t how someone should have sex for the first time.

Yoongi was out of the door in a second, keys in hand, not caring that his clothes were worn out and he himself a mess. He might have ignored a speed limit or two and when he pulled up at the driveway he was out of breath as if he had run all the way when in reality he had just sat in the car, unmoving, hands gripping the steering wheel so hard his knuckles turned white while hoping that he wasn’t too late and that Jungkook wasn’t lying in some random bedroom together with a random stranger; with his mind dulled and his clothes off.

He rushes in, with Namjoon already waiting for him and telling him that Jungkook had been successful in getting a room just a few minutes ago, ignoring Namjoon’s carefully voiced words. Yoongi doesn’t even wait for him to finish his sentence before he’s up the stairs. He disturbs two other couples and doesn’t give a damn about it before he finally finds Kook. Time comes to a halt for a moment and his heart with it. Jungkook is lying on the bed with a man above him who is half naked and kissing the breath from his lips. They look beautiful together – and Yoongi wants to scream because it still feels so utterly wrong. Jungkook turns when the man stops kissing him at the intrusion and Yoongi can see him flinch hard when their eyes met.

“Y..yoongi? What are you doing here?”

‘I came here to stop you from having sex because I love you and I can’t stand the thought of you fooling around with someone you don’t love while you’re drunk and don’t know what you’re doing’ isn’t exactly what Yoongi can tell him so he just says that he’s here to come pick him up because he’s drunk and he shouldn’t be here in the first place because parties like this aren’t for boys like him and that apparently was the wrong thing to say because Jungkook’s eyes come ablaze and he pushes the man off of him (which Yoongi’s heart likes a lot) and then cruelly laughs at him (which he doesn’t like) The man tries to calm Jungkook down and his gestures are soft and his touches seem as if he knows Kook more closely and Yoongi isn’t sure if that makes it better or worse now.

„I‘m Twenty one, Yoongi. Twenty one! You can‘t tell me what to do! You can‘t..can‘t expect me to not look for someone else when you so obviously don‘t want me!“

They all stare at each other in a mixture of shock and too many overwhelming emotions, in Yoongi’s case he feels like he had just taken a blow to the gut. Jungkook’s voice is angry, so very angry but also full of hidden tears and it broke audibly in midst of his little speech. His eyes however are still ablaze and Yoongi feels like watching a storm, too wild and messed up and beautiful. He knew that he would lose him eventually even if he tried to repress that knowledge. If he turned around and left him now then the door between them would close, figuratively and literally and Jungkook would soothe his broken heart in the arms of someone else, someone he probably didn‘t love but would give his body to, just to get rid of his pain and his innocence. The fear eats at him and paralyzes his tongue while he looks at the younger who is still shaking with anger and something more. He knows so little about the darkness inside of Yoongi and it isn‘t fair! It isn‘t fair to decide now for him but he doesn‘t want him to do something that he might forever regret. So he swallows hard, choking down his pride and his fear and everything else tat keep hindering him in the process  and reaches out for him.

„Jungkook..Kookie..please..“

His fingers are twitching in mid air because he feels horribly exposed and.. and everything inside of him tells him that this is wrong but there is no turning back now if he wants Jungkook to understand.

„It‘s not that I don‘t want you, it‘s.. Kookie, you don‘t even know how much I love you. I just don‘t wanna hurt you. I can‘t.. I couldn‘t… You mean so much more to me than my desires, you..Please, let me talk to you. Let us talk this out. Don‘t do this out of spite or hurt while you’re intoxicated. Please.“

He tries to block out the other person who is still standing besides Jungkook, hearing every word he says while he is spilling his heart, making himself way, way too vulnerable for his liking. Jungkook remains silent, then he turns and puts his arms around the other guy. It looks as if he has made his decision and the stab in Yoongi‘s heart was to be expected but he is still overwhelmed with how much it hurts and how easily it steals his breath away.  Yoongi is shaking and he thinks how he can leave Jungkook alone now when he knows what’s about to happen, when he knows that Jungkook’s first time will be like this but he doesn’t have a choice really and so he is about to retreat, thinking that this is it and that Jungkook will hate him now - when he realizes that Jungkook wasn‘t just hugging the other but actually talking to him, quietly whispering words into his ear that Yoongi wasn‘t supposed to hear. The other nods curtly, lips pressed into a thin line while he listens to what Jungkook is telling him. With a tight hug and a last look that sends daggers Yoongi’s way the other walks past Yoongi to grab his shirt and leaves the two of them alone. Yoongi stares at Jungkook who is smiling a little, something bittersweet and insecure, but soft. The storm from before has passed, leaving him looking as young and sweet as before. „Okay. Then let‘s talk.“

However Jungkook has had too much alcohol too think clearly and it’s still in his system so they both decided that it would be better to sleep it off and do the talking tomorrow. Just like it would be better to to just let the turmoil inside of Yoongi simmer down too. Still it felt like the sun was smiling down on him when he was allowed to take Jungkook‘s hand and guide the other one out of here. The younger didn‘t seem interested in the party at all any more, following him like a lamb through the crowd, attention solely on him and with that little smile on his lips that made him look too kissable for Yoongi‘s liking. He knew he should just leave it at that but he couldn’t, a thorn still securely hooked in his chest that he couldn’t just ignore so he asked as casually as he could (while horribly failing at it)

„Who was that guy? Will he give you a hard time because I interrupted you?“

Yoongi couldn‘t help but squeeze Jungkook’s hand tighter as a reminder that he was here with him now while they walked out the door and looked for his car.

„Nah, don‘t worry. He‘s a friend. He wasn‘t some random guy from the party, we know each other  from dance practice and he agreed on.. on doing me that favor. He won‘t be mad that I made up my mind. He wasn‘t pushing me or anything. He actually...“ Jungkook bit his lip, looking a little lost when he broke off but he seemed to pull himself out of his thoughts pretty quickly and turned towards Yoongi, smile back in place. „Doesn‘t matter now. Are you gonna take me home or not?“

They were both tired, the kind of tired that didn‘t came from not-sleeping but was accompanied by exhaustion from too many emotions rushing through your body all at once. That threatening emptiness he had felt when he had been only a hairs breadth away from losing everything right before his eyes – Yoongi could still feel it lingering in his bones. His eyes flickered back to Jungkook as a reminder that he was really home now while the younger was busy kicking off his shoes and visibly struggling, maybe from the alcohol, maybe from exhaustion. He was with him. He was safe.

„I‘m.. I think I‘m gonna sleep on the couch tonight“, he said, trying to keep his voice as stable and nonchalant as possible. But Jungkook wasn‘t having it. „Don‘t do that.“ Even with his back towards him the other could still hear the frown in his voice. „Do what?“ he asked, practically squirming under Jungkook‘s blunt words. „Don‘t withdraw yourself from me again the second we are alone. I won‘t ask you to be all touchy-feely with me right away. Just please don‘t leave me alone now. You could.. I don‘t know, maybe..hug me?“ His voice had gotten more and more quiet towards the end until he sounded so small and insecure that it hurt Yoongi‘s heart. As if the younger still thought this wasn‘t more than a temporary situation for them, with Yoongi only opening up to him for a moment while knowing he would close himself off again before the night was over. He finished getting out of his jacket and put it onto the couch before turning wordlessly and stepping closer until he was right in front of Jungkook. His heart beat thundered in his chest and although Kookie had been the one who initiated it his widened eyes and quickened breath told Yoongi that even he wasn‘t sure how to react. Ignoring his own fears wasn‘t easy but Jungkook had shown so much trust in him tonight, opening up and going with him so easily that giving into his wish was the least he could do. Besides it wasn‘t as if he hadn‘t wanted to do this...for quite a while. So he placed his hand at the small of the younger‘s back and in between his shoulder blades while pulling him in, holding him securely against his own body. The first few second felt strange and awkward but then Jungkook melted into his embrace and somehow their arms found their way around each so naturally as if their bodies were made to fit. Like a puzzle. Yoongi would have scoffed at that cliche thought if he hadn‘t been so busy enjoying the other’s warmth. It felt so good to have him close like this, as if suddenly his chest had expanded and he could breathe more easily. Jungkook had leaned his head against his shoulder and closed his eyes, the embodiment of trust.. „Thank you.“, he whispered and he sounded so thankful, so full of affection that Yoongi couldn‘t help but turn his head and place a little kiss onto his head. Just barely there. And still Jungkook had noticed.

-`♥´-

P.S. 

They work it out even though it takes more than one “talking session” to do so. The first time they kiss Yoongi thinks he’s found heaven. And Jimin – the guy who has been with Jungkook at that party – is the first to comment on how Jungkook has never looked so happy. He also threatens that if Yoongi is ever going to be an ‘asshole that closes himself off again’ he’s going to snatch Kook away from right under his nose (while withholding that there was never more than friendship between them)

[paastell]

I‘m sick of having the battle in my mind. I want to lose weight but also eat and work out and be healthy. I don‘t want to say how ugly and fat I am. I want to love myself. And I think this bad habit of always trying to eat less and hating myself if I eat more just gives me stress (and I have to write an 15 pages essay which should get my energy) and I‘m just not feeling good. Yes I want to be smaller, but also more toned with an nice butt and stuff. I feel like we all can’t get happy because we don‘t allow ourself to be how we are. Sure you can eat a bit less and work out do feel better. Sure you can stop eating junk food and sweets. But if you always make yourself down for eating a banana or apple because you ate 400cals today (which is clearly not even a bit enough!!) you are starting to hate yourself and we all just want to love ourselves! So maybe I‘ll follow some more „kind“ blogs and less blogs which deprive me. Some meanspo or things some people write are just making me feel bad and like I‘m fake and I just hope everybody is getting better. (Sure I also have days I hate myself but I‘m trying to get them to a minimum level)

[forestkidd]

Adding my thoughts by reblog because this is gonna get LONG...

Honestly, like not even a year back I was no friends with meds. I always felt like I need to function without them. I felt like it would just be faking normality.

But then I got on antidepressants and boy was that an experience. Looking back I don‘t know how I survived without my Wellbutrin. So after that I was less reluctant to try Concerta after my ADHD diagnosis. And again I had a positive experience.

My antidepressants give me more energy, help me sleeping better and lift my mood. Concerta (now I‘m taking Ritalin) helped me focusing! I wasn‘t so overwhelmed with everything anymore. My anxiety got a lot better and I was so much calmer and less fidgety.

I‘m a little afraid to get off of my antidepressants (which won‘t happen for a few more months at least) because I fear I‘ll fall straight back into depression. And my ADHD meds make me kinda nervous because of their bad reputation. I just feel kinda judged for taking them.

And their side effects are kinda bad? Wellbutrin is ok... I got used to it. I still have a hella dry mouth and get bad headaches from time to time but it‘s managable. Concerta (and Ritalin) both give me horrible morning sickness (like to the point of vomiting). And I had two scary experiences where I lost the feeling in my face (the second time brought me into the ER). It‘s still not clear if this is linked to my meds but I never had that before taking them?

Both meds where prescribed to me pretty fast. But I was a suicidal mess so it kinda makes sense. I never felt pressured to take them tho.

(My ADHD diagnosis was kinda funny actually. I was/am in therapy for depression and BPD. I got my prescription for Wellbutrin before meeting my psychiatrist through the psychologist. When I then first met her, she just looked at me funny and arranged an ADHD evaluation. 1 month and several interviews and questionnaires later I got my diagnosis).

I‘m glad to have my meds even if I could function without Concerta/Ritalin (due to my late diagnosis which made me develop coping mechanisms from early on). I think, people should definitely give them a try and see if it‘s for them. Meds are kinda stigmatized but honestly, they can be life savers!

Lets talk about ADHD meds🧠💊💊

I want to have some discourse here about ADHD meds. Feel free to comment/reblog or leave asks about anything related to ADHD meds! Here are a few ideas on what to discuss;

What are your general thoughts on meds?

How do meds make you feel?

Do you have fears/anxiety regarding meds?

Do you find meds helpful?

How are you affected by side effects?

Are meds expensive for you?

Have you felt pressured to take meds?

Have you been denied meds as treatment by your physician?

Have you ever felt like meds were ”pushed” on you too soon?

Do you think ADHD treatment should consist of soley meds or soley behavioral therapy or both?

I’ll start by giving some of my thoughts;

I think ADHD meds are great, they make life so much easier in general. I don’t forget/loose things as much as I do without them. My head is much more calm and collected, and everything is just easier.

Side effects are minimal for me, however I have fears that my meds will stop working one day and that I’ll return to how I used to live. Miserable, disorganized, stressed and full of anxiety

Speaking of anxiety: Holy moly did these meds just beat the shit out of my insecurities and anxiety!

I think my doctor was a little too quick to prescribe them to me, but on the other hand I almost lost my home and income before I started taking them so maybe that was a good thing.

I went from having failed every exam to actually impressing my teachers later on with how good I was doing on reexams.

When meds work as they should, they’re a life saver, when they don’t it’s a nightmare.

I’d love to hear your thoughts and feelings about this! Lets have a discussion! Don’t be shy! This is a safe space and your feelings and experiences are valid.💗

[lpninja]

neither trees or animals have a greed or wisz to be something big

I just want to be and don‘t do anything, like be invisible or some shit or just be abandoned somewhere

I‘m just so sick of being a human, I hate living, I hate breathing, I hate everything because it takes too much energy of me anyway

I just don‘t want to be human anymore, being in this existence is too much for me and I‘m having panic just thinking about the next day

i really wish i wasnt born